staying calm

It's day 3 of this lovely virus that my monkeys so kindly shared with me and I am tired and wheezy, not fun.

I realised on Tuesday night after I was done yelling at Fudge over some annoying habits of his that I was sick and stressed about all the stuff around Calvin and school. I took it out on Fudge, poor little guy - I still feel bad about it. However realising that was what was going on for me helped me to stay regulated yesterday when Calvin had a full blown meltdown before dinner.


I think that he has sticky fingers, all sorts of stuff keeps coming home from school that is not his and upon confronting him he denied it. I later was on talking to him about lying to me - his go to response in most cases is to lie first - and brought up the toys he comes home with. He was adamant that he did not take it but acted like he does when he is lying. I decided not to push it and had him sit down at the table to write lines ( something we often do when he seems as though he is close the edge) yesterdays line was " My Mom loves me and I do not need to lie to her any more" I thought it was a good one. Well he quickly refused to write them and then changed them so they said "My Mom does not love and I need to lie to her all the time"

It did not work to bring him back yesterday though, he stated escalating, throwing stuff and yelling at me. I escorted him out the front door until he could be calm enough to pick up all the stuff that he threw and write his lines. It took a few tries and a number of hugs but he finally pulled it together and sat down to write. Instead of writing the lines though he started writing me notes instead.
They went like this, I answered them all verbally and then he would go and write me another note

I love you to the moon and back
Thank you for the pretzels
Do you love me
Ok, but why
Lucky me, huh
Do you love me more than the dogs

I answered each comment as you would expect, reassuring him that I loved him no matter what. He sat down at he table wrote some lines and then put his head down and fell asleep - raging at your Mom is hard work. I did hear some more talk about how awful school was and that was the reason that he was so miserable ( his word) but I never did get a straight answer about the toy.

Before bed he drew me a picture, he usually needs to do something to feel like he has made amends for his anger. I'm not going to say no to that.

It is always so much easier to get through those days when I can remain calm and know that there is glass of wine waiting for me when all is said and done!
In other news

Fudge got a reward yesterday for being the 2nd best speller in his class - this was huge for him as he often feels as though he is not as smart as the other kids ( it made Calvin really angry though as he was in that class last year and never won anything)

And the school finally agreed to a meeting after a long conversation about trying to be proactive and make school good for Calvin. They don't get attachment disorder and kept saying that we couldn't sit down and make a plan until they saw the behaviour, I kept telling them that would be to late and they finally heard. me, it won't be for 2 weeks but it will happen.

It's all been done before...

• Really it has, this back to school honeymoon has been done before and yet the school still does not believe me when I tell them that it is just that, a honeymoon.
• The horrible Monday back in the routine type behaviour to try to drive me over the edge. They succeeded yesterday; I was really tired of the constant arguing and back talk.
• The all of sudden forgetting how to make it to the bathroom in time as result of me going away with a friend for 24 hours.
• The last minute decision by Calvin that he now hates oatmeal and the attempt to sabotage the whole morning with a tantrum to remind us that he is in charge.
• The level of exhaustion that I feel at this moment.
• The impending arrival of Fall and the work that goes along with it.
• The waiting for windows and the new dryer to be delivered long after they said that they would be here.
• Being disorganized for Fudge's upcoming birthday

See none of them are new things, they all happen all the time and yet it seems as though each time they do I get weighed down by their arrival, like it is some big new thing and yet it is just more of the same old thing.

I think another latte will help.

more drama

So we are almost finished week 2 of school and although they have not called me again to tell me how wonderfully my son is behaving - I know that he is not thought because I am starting to see more and more stressful behaviours at home. He is up to his little tricks again, drawing on furniture, lying and yelling at me for not believing the lies - so stuff at school is stressing him and I would really like to be proactive this year and put some solid plans in place before he self destructs there too.

Fudge on the other hand is loving school and is basking in the glory of not having to deal with his brother on the yard. ( his school is k-3 and Calvin's in 4-6) He is doing okay but someone told him he was stupid last week and we picked up the pieces from that all weekend. He was a wreck and cried for 3 hours on Saturday morning. I am also starting to notice more gaps in his memory and processing of information. I am not sure if they are getting to be more prevalent or if
I am just paying closer attention to them. He had a meltdown this morning because he had not packed his bag and so I suggested that he head to school without it. He was angry at me for teasing him but he still didn't pack his bag... it was a long morning.
I am heading off in the morning for a much needed break with some girlfriends, we are heading to the big city to play for 24 hours and then I will turn around and come back. It will be a long drive but it is so worth it!

And as if there wasn't enough going on, I got to chase this little guy out of my house this week, he has friends though who are not so interested in leaving.

morning

It's a bright sunny day here in the middle of the great white north, well it's not white yet but it will be soon enough. I am sitting outside watching Calvin do some chores to make up for the hole he put in out bathroom wall the other day. Yes, his first hole in the drywall, perhaps I should be happy that it took this long : )

small aside
Oh my goodness, some geese just flew over my head and they were so low I could actually hear there wings flapping, it was so cool. They all flapped at the same time and it was this really great whirring noise.
ok, back to my post

Not that I really have anything to say. I am at this very moment watching Calvin try to sabatoge his chores so that he can get out of them, to bad it won't work around here. He is taking one step with the wheelbarrow and stopping  all of a sudden he is unable to operate it when he has been using it all summer with no problems.

He got in trouble at school a couple of times this week and we are starting to see more fallout at home, I have a feeling it is going to be a long few months.

On the other Fudge is doing well but I am already noticing that his memory and comprehension gaps are getting bigger as the work gets harder and more complex. I hope that his FASD assessment happens sooner rather than later. He tries so hard and wants to remember but he really can't.

I am off to can some pears and applesauce, Calvin is almost done.

Fallout

We are at day 3 of school and last night brought us our first tantrum of the post-school-starting tantrum season. I can now mark with Calvin when tantrums will occur. They are always there as he anticipates or stresses about what is to come and then we get a day or 2 of calm and then there is the fallout from the stress he was anticpiating happening or not happening. It is a cycle, I it coming but I can't really stop it.

Yesterday it started with some controlling behaviours toward Fudge and I, (P was working late) and then it escalated into a tantrum at the table. He concluding the evening by putting a hole in the wall ( already was a dent, now it's a hole) The fact that I don't react to his screaming really gets him going, last night he worked really hard and was rather annoyed when he was not successful . It's taken a long itme but I think that I have finally learned how to manage his rages, it doesn't always work but then nothing does with him.

What a difference a year makes, last year and this time I was barely keeping myself standing letting alone predicting how or when a tantrum may occur.

I have been in touch with his teachers, they assure me that he is fine so far - we are 2 days in. I told them about honeymoons but I do not think that they believe me.

This was first posted at Hopeful Parents last winter, it seems as though it is a good first post, welcome to my new blog

My name is J. and I am a parent.

I am a Mother to 2 beautiful boys, they were not nurtured by my body, nor did I know them for the first years of there lives but I am no less their mother then the woman who conceived them.

I did not breastfeed them as infants or change their diapers. I did not see their first steps or hear their first words. But I know the things that make them giggle and cry now. I dry their tears, chase away monsters, protect them from the bullies at school, yell at them when they drive me crazy and tickle them as we walk through the grocery store. I buy them treats when I am out because I know that they will love that toy or book but I will never really know what they were like as little boys.

Sometimes I feel as though I missed out by not having the privilege of being their Mom sooner. If they had come here first, instead of being with the four other Moms they had between leaving their birth family and coming to their forever family. Sometimes I cry because it makes me so sad to know that these 2 little men had to go through so much to make it here and wouldn’t it of been easier if it hadn’t happened that way.

However, 3 years ago when these boys had to leave their birth family I was not ready to be their Mom, sometimes I wonder if I am ready now. Three years ago I was falling in love and getting married, making plans and dreaming about helping kids who needed families to love them.

I did not think it would happen quite like this, that we would adopt the first two who walked through our door, knowing that we would keep them even before we met them. I thought there would be many kids coming and going first, that there would be time for me to wrap my head around being a parent. To figure out what worked for me and my husband, time to discover how we would parent together. I thought there would be few practice runs with kids that needed a home for a few weeks or months while their birth families got back on their feet. You know, kind of like taking a niece or nephew for the weekend when you are pregnant to getting a taste of being a parent full time.

Life is not always what you planned though, things do not always work out the way that you wanted or expected them to. So here, I am six months later, a Mom to two precious boys who need a lot from me. Our days are busy, filled with exciting and frustrating moments. My kids have many needs that other kids do not, they have struggles and issues that other kids never have to face but they are mine. I will love, nurture and respect them through each and every struggle because that is what Mom’s do.

summer 09

(Click on the collage to make bigger)

As you can see it has been a long and boring summer and there was no fun had by anyone big, small, with shells or with wings. There are also a few pictures in there of our summer reno project ( before, during and almost finished) which was a huge task and a strain on the monkeys patience but one that they are excited about none the less. I must now be off to deal with the back to school stress that is cuasing all sorts of interesting moments around here.