Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A late B.C. post.

Last week the Beyond Consequences class was on Lying and Stealing, it was a good reminder about why my kids lie all the time about everything. There are days when Calvin would lie about the colour of the sky if he thought that it might get him some where good. Fudge has started trying it out as well except that he is really bad liar and he is almost always caught. If it is not in the moment he is caught later when he trips over the lie in attempt to get some thing else out. He can not remember that he lied earlier and then he has to come clean because it is obvious.

Heather mentions a few things in her book about why kids who have had trauma lie so much, some really stood out for me (pg 50 of volume 1)
  • Lying stems from a state of stress ( this really true for Calvin, he lies when he is stressed/scared)
  •  Your child can not be taught the moral lesson of lying while in the act of lying.
  • The lying behaviour is not directed at you personally ( this is also important for me to remember in the moment of frustration with all the lies.)

This week the lecture was on gorging and hoarding food, although this is less of an issue at our house we do have a few food issues that have to be addressed and dealt with all the time. With Calvin it is sneaking food at school and refusing to eat a variety of things. We seem to of stopped the sneaking food at school for now but I am sure it will pop up again. We struggle to get him to eat a variety of things that he doesn’t really like because he dislikes their texture. He will eat many of them now but he is painfully slow and if he can find away around it he will.

With Fudge there can never be enough food, he is always asking for more even though he has eaten a large potion. He struggles with knowing when he is full off and he struggles with believing that there is going to be more food later. It has been 4 years since he apprehended and in those 4 years he has always had enough to eat and yet he is still afraid that there will not be another meal.

We have a few strategies that have helped get them both over the eating struggles.

  • Calvin dislikes smooth things so started mixing yogurt with cereal to give it a different texture and now he eats it by itself
  • Fudge is given all that he is going to get in one portion and then he is finished. At night I will let have veggies ( usually carrots) after dinner if he is still feeling as though he starving.
  • We keep mealtimes and snack times very structured so that Fudge always knows when the next opportunity to eat is going to be.
  • We communicate with school about eating and make sure that everyone is on the same page. It does not always work though.
What works in your house for these issues? What do your kids do?


Essie the Accidental Mommy said...


Around here, we get highs and lows. It is during the in-between times that we get the more passive behaviors like lying and sneaking food. I almost don't even mind lying because it is usually just something silly and obvious.

Mom 4 Kids said...

That is so true that the child can't learn the moral lesson about lying when they are lying. Typical parenting tells us that's exactly the time to teach the lesson.

Little by little the lessons are being absorbed around here too but it is such a slow process that I have to remind myself often to take note of the baby steps of progress.

You are doing such a great job! Thanks for sharing!

beauty obscure said...

While I don't have kids of my own yet - I would say a consult with an OT over food issues can be useful (for things like difficulties with textures and such - as opposed to hoarding - if you can of course find/afford a good OT.

BT said...

P had Fudge's issue with not knowing when to stop eating. I honestly believe that he was starving at one point in his life (over a 2+ year period -- our boys were grossly undersized when they came to us). We have talked -- at regulated times -- about listening to our bodies. He has started to do this now, and it is always music to our ears. At one point, we were doing something almost exactly what Dia did with Tortuga (Rancho Chico) -- served P way more than he would probably want and watched for him to start leaving food uneaten. This has emerged over time. We now allow him to serve himself, and he usually choose appropriate portions. When he asks for seconds, we require a five-minute break to 'listen to your body" and determine whether you are actually hungry or just wanting that food to fill you up emotionally. This is getting to be less and less of an issue. Healthy snacks in teh way of fresh fruits and veggies are plentiful around our kitchen and dining room and can be taken at any time, provided permission is sought first and food is eaten in a permitted location. We used to deal with a lot of junk food sneaking and raiding of other people's junk food at school (otherwise known as stealing). Through addressing underlying feelings and teaching alternative coping strategies, this has largely stopped, but I am never surprised anymore when it crops back up.

Don't get me started on the crazy lying. I hate it so much. We are improving. But your post was a needed reminder for me not to take it personally.

marythemom said...

We never got the crazy lying, it's mostly lying to get out of trouble (which for my son is often).

The food issues are crazy though. One of my daughter's meds killed her appetite. She never ate. Then we took her off that and put her on one that happened to also increase her appetite. She gained 70lbs in less than 6 months.

We took her off the med and the weight gain slowed, but she's still about 50lbs overweight and now she has emotional eating (eats when upset - which is all the time).

I'm worried about negative body image and eating disorders so we've been trying to work on helping her deal with her emotions in a different way, but recently decided it was time to approach food issues head on. We're starting to put limits on what she eats and when and hoping it doesn't trigger too many food issues.

Her brother gorges on sweets. We find empty icing and ice cream containers in his room, bags of cookies and even whole pies have disappeared. We started locking the pantry and fridge, but I finally decided I had to just stop buying sweets because all the kids gorge on them knowing they won't be there tomorrow (son is a midnight muncher).

Mary in TX