The day did not get any better and as Calvin was outside pulling weeds ( because he made the choice to make a small job take forever and have a good old screaming tantrum in the middle ) Fudge and I sat down at dinner. It was a yummy meal, Fudge looked at me and said " Mom, how come birth mom did not want any more". After I put my heart back together I tried to talk him through just how that happened and how she got to keep 1 child but the other 4 had to go into care and how 3 were adopted and one was not. It is way to much for an eight year old to comprehend even when you tell them in kid terms and leave out all the brutal neglect and abuse. I did the best I could, then Calvin came in part way through and and added his 2 cents and then I got the behaviour from him that goes along with talking about birth mom, silliness, reprimanded, hiding then apologetic and looking for cuddles. We all moved on and went to bed but it was hard for them and for me.
This is only the 2nd time in 2 years he has had a real conversation with me about her. He is slowly but surely working all of this out, I wish he did not have to though.
8 comments:
HUGS!! It's hard for us too, B has 3 half-siblings that his bio mom still has....she wasn't forced to give B up, but chose it (crazy and really, I don't get it, but I live with it) anyways....hang in there.
I bring the subject up when I can -- giving him words to talk about it really helps B.
{{{Hugs}}} None of ours kids should have to process the stuff in their pasts :( You are doing a great job!
Oh that must be so hard for your boys to understand--- well, I'm sure I would EVER understand it if it were me. In a way we are lucky, we don't have any information like that about Genea.
Our conversations with Ri are blessedly much briefer, but I'm waiting for the day that I have to explain why birthmom kept L. but found us for her... Have any brilliant thouughts from your view, further down this road? I know it's coming, she's in the photos.
C
It relieves me to hear that another child won't talk about their birth mom. Princess hasn't since she was a young four, and she has flat out said that she won't because if she does "it might happen again here," and unfortunately I don't know exactly what "it" is. Even more unfortunately, I can guess. Also, she has a canned response she uses when she thinks someone wants her to talk about her first mom; it has grains of truth in it, but sounds like a horrible line WE'VE fed her. I worry about her constantly.
J- I noticed that with the updating; a friend who know what she's doing (like really REALLY knows) is going to be messing around with the technical stuff on my blog and she is sure she can fix it. Thanks for putting me there.
As awkward as it feels, it's great that your son is beginning to get the words out that only begin to touch the feelings he has over being adopted. The underlying shame of some adopted kids (why did they get rid of me? why didn't they keep me?) is so powerful, and talking about again and again diminshes its power...wishing you peace.
You did great! Keep sharing it so I can learn along side you. Miss is putting her toes in the water of the birth mom issues, and I'm doing my best. Hugs!
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