Thursday, January 6, 2011

Jealous much



Of what?

Fudge's love for his birthmom.

Mature I know.

But it is true, I am jealous of the pedestal which he places her on and I long to find just a corner of that pedestal for myself. It is really hard to do everything for him and then have him place her on a pedestal. She did not care enough for change her behaviour to get him back. She did not so anything of the things asked of her in the 2 years that he was in foster care and yet he imagines her to be this sainted woman who unjustly had her children ripped away from her. Okay maybe I am exaggerating but you know what I mean.

Last week when our Christmas cards finally appeared from Shutterfly I sat down and wrote them all out so I could get them in the mail before the long weekend. I wrote one to the boys birthmom and then casually told them that if they wanted to include a letter they had to do it today as I was mailing them. We have done this every year, it is nothing new. Calvin's card was pretty plain and only said love you and miss you, pretty reflective of were he is in his journey of attachment with us and his realtionship with her. Fudge on the other hand got very elaborate with pictures and words. He talked about putting a tear on the card so she would know that he was sad in his heart. Then he wrote on the back of the card " Mom you rock". He proudly showed it off to me and I said it was nice and moved on because although I didn't say anything I was hurt by it. He realised that I was hurt and said " oh that should say birthmom you rock", it was a good save on his part and speaks volumes about his ability to realise when someone is hurting.

What he said and did is not the point though, he is a child with a lot of conflicting emotions and really it is not his job to protect me from how he is feeling.

It made me feel jealous of her though. 

I do think that it is a completely normal feeling to have for a Mom in my situation. I have not been as honest with Fudge as I have with Calvin about what their birthmom did and the reasons that they were apprehended. He is not ready to hear it because he needs to keep her on that pedestal awhile longer, Calvin is in a much different place. I get that, I understand the theory and all but it still hurts when he makes comments that make me feel as though he loves her more.

He might always love her more, he might not, I am going to need to love him to pieces no matter what though even if I am jealous.


Megan said...

You know what? I think the fact that you allow your son to have his own feelings, despite how it makes you feel (even when you know his feelings are founded in la-la land) speaks volumes about the kind of mother you are. I think that anyone in your situation would feel exactly the same, but my dear, you are handling it in front of your son with such GRACE! Go you! Sure it hurts! Sure it sucks! Sure you want to tell him that she's a nutcase! But you are doing all you can to protect him and help him grow and heal at the rate that he needs to. Many applause to you, you awesome mama you! *hugs*

H said...

Darlin' when that pedestal gets shattered, I don't want you on a corner of it, I want you on our own *MUCH BIGGER* pedestal where you belong.

He'll get there and so will you.


Shauna said...

Pedestals hold fantasies, he needs that right now. But he'll understand as he grows where everyone fits.

BT said...

Ah yes, this is one of those biggies for us adoptive moms. It's so hard. But they need those pedestals, at least for awhile. P's pedestal for his birth mother got even taller and more ornate right before it started to crumble in little bits and pieces. Now he sometimes tries to rebuild it, and then little bits of it break off again. It is very forwards and backwards. I think he is deeply ambivalent. It has been very hard for me to find ways to help affirm his love for her (so that he can love himself, I think) and at the same time help him find outlets for his anger and shame. So conflicting.

krlr said...

That makes ME hurt. And I'm not even in the same country. Am sending you virtual chocolate & hugs. And repeating what Megan said above.

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Oh geez. That would have crushed me. It sounds like you handled it brilliantly.
Which does not make it easier, I know.