After Orlando

I got home in time to pick the boys up from school yesterday, Calvin hugged me good and long as soon as he saw me. Fudge did not. He did much later though and was happy I was home. The moment of "oh it is so nice to see you" ended quickly because I had to pick up some pieces with my kids. Calvin was less than stellar for his father and Fudge made trouble at school. Even though there were no broken toes or windows, amends still had to be made and so we talked and Calvin got mad and then we had to talk some more. Finally they went to bed, I did feed them first though, I am nice like that.

They were both happy to see me though and although there was some behaviour last night from both of them that was designed to drive me crazy, it was not awful though. I was also the recipient of a lot of affection from Calvin which is a new thing and a wonderful sign of attachment. I missed them and it turns out that they missed me as well. It's nice to be missed.

I have been thinking a lot about what to say about my time in Orlando, I was trying to think of something profound and meaningful that would make people think. But to be honest I was finding myself unable to say anything at all except that it was amazing.

I taught this morning and when I got home I sat down to write. Soon after I arrived home the phone rang, it was P calling to tell me that he was not dead. He had received a call from a worried friend who hear that he had died, same name different man, thankfully as him being dead would really throw off my day. As I was hanging up with him there was another call, it was the school. Calvin was being restrained on the yard and I needed to come right now. I did not even put on my coat I just grabbed the keys and left.

We live 10 minutes from the school, it was a long 10 minutes.

I arrived and was told they were outside and as I jogged through the hall to get out there a million thoughts ran through my head about just how bad things might be. When I got outside I discovered that Calvin had finally calmed down and was on his way in. I tried to hug him and he pulled away, I forced him to let me touch him so that I could whisper to him that I was not mad and because I knew in that moment that my touch would help him calm down.

I brought him home because there was no way that he was going to recover his day and frankly he was in trouble anyway. As we drove home we talked, I like talking in the van because eye contact is not required and it is easy to talk to angry children that way. He was mad because he was being excluded, he was triggered, he reacted, it went to hell in a hand basket from there. I remained calm, I did not yell or assign consequences but I did inform him he would be spending the remainder of his day doing school work or reading and not playing. We talked about what he could of done differently and then it was done.

I did not dwell on it.
I did not yell at him.
I did not shame him.
I did not punish him for being triggered.

That is what Orlando did for me, it reminded me that:
I am a good mother
I can be a therapeutic parent
I do not need to yell at my children to be heard
I can be in their corner when they make a mistake and help them make it right
I need to put myself first at times because otherwise I am exhausted and then I am not a good parent
They can survive without me for a few days
I am not alone

and

Neither are you.