Tuesday, January 5, 2010

For your amusement*

The House of Girlie Pee

By P.

Once upon a time in a land fairly close by there lived a family with four boys and four girls. Two of the girls and one of the boys were canines, that is to say dogs, and another girl was a feline, that is to say a cat, and so even if the family loved the canines and feline very much we aren’t going to talk about them in the story right now. Maybe a little bit later if we have time, but right now we have more important fish to fry—not that there are any fish in the story or living in the house for that matter. More important fish to fry is just a way of talking that means we have other stuff that is more important right now.

Anyways, as I was saying the family of eight lived in a house. They were all very happy. But there was one very big problem. The big problem had to do with the differences between boys and girls. Now there are a few differences between boys and girls. Most of those differences aren’t very important, especially when it comes to making big decisions like who is going to drive the car or who gets to take the garbage out. But sometimes those differences are important. One of those important differences is the different way boys and girls go pee. For reasons which we don’t need to talk about right now boys and girls pee in different ways. Girls sit down and boys stand up. Boys can sit down too but usually, especially if they are in a hurry, they stand up. And that was what was causing the big problem in the house in the land fairly close by where the family of four boys and four girls lived.

The big problem was that the three boys who weren’t canines usually stood up to pee. Why was that a problem, you ask? It was a problem because their aim wasn’t always very good. Sometimes they hit the target which was the water at the bottom of the toilet bowl. But not always! Sometimes, like in the middle of the night when they forgot to turn on the light, they missed the target. Sometimes they splashed on the floor. Sometimes they splashed on the wall next to the toilet. And there was even a rumour that once the pee even splashed on the bath mat! Yuck!!!

Now it might not have been such a big problem if the boys had learned to clean up after themselves. But boys being boys they usually didn’t even notice the mess that they made. Now, who do you think got to clean up the mess? Was it the canine girls? No. Could it be the cat? Not likely! Usually, it was the hard-working Momma girl that cleaned up the mess made by the boys. Do you think that is very fair? No it isn’t! So what do you think happened?

Well, the Momma girl in the house in a land fairly close by was a very powerful woman. Faster than a speeding bullet, more glorious than cherubim and seraphim rolled into one, wilier than a coyote and a whole lot more powerful than a patriarch, she issued a decree. Do you know what a decree is? A decree is like an order but it is a whole lot more strict. Her decree said:

“From this day henceforth no person, boy or girl, will be allowed to pee standing up in this house! Everybody will pee sitting down! Is that clear?”

And the boys understood that the Momma girl was very serious indeed. So they vowed to obey the decree. And that is how the house in a land fairly close by came to be known as “The House of Girlie Pee.” And they all lived happily ever after so long as they remembered not to mess with the Momma and to obey her decrees.

*because this is what my hubby does when we go to the movies without him


MFA Mama said...

Bwahahahahaha I am one of two people in the house who pees sitting (the other is too short short to pee standing up, poor Little Child!) and was lamenting to my fiance that one more standing pee-er (currently there are two) will utterly destroy my SINGLE BATHROOM. My fiance, who was raised by a single mother in a house full of brothers, said "oh I pee sitting. My mom would've killed me."

I think we'll all live happily ever after :)

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

LOL! That is awesome!

Somehow, my girls manage to slide pee off the seat and it dribbles down the outside of the bowl, onto the floor, and leaves a building crust behind the toilet. The glamor and glory that is parenting!

BT said...

Oh yes, the lone human girl at our house issued the exact same decree, and it has led to peace and prosperity in our kingdom.

:)De said...

The Mama in this house issued the same degree 4 years ago, but the boys in said house still managed to pee through the space between the seat and the bowl! So now the boys in this house use the half bath in the basement and the Mama in the house uses the bathroom without worry and even in the middle of the night with the light off.