Tuesday, May 18, 2010

it was not all I had hoped for.

Let me start this by saying that P and I are not a typical couple, ( my IRL friends would laugh at that because there is so much that is not typical about us) but we are really not typical in that P is significantly older than I am. He has an adult son who is 25 and I am 32 and although it was no problem with our first adoption they are trying to make it a problem now, he is a big 2 years older hey guess what so am I and so are the boys, amazing how that happens.

So to make a really long meeting short and sweet and to explain a few things that I have been cryptic about for awhile here is a quick run down

- P applied to be on the board of directors of the local Child Protective Services (CAS here), they practically broke the land speed record  getting him in for an interview.
- we submitted an application to adopt a sibling group who is not in our one horse town but in a big city sort of far away.
- the one horse town CAS decided that we were insane and that we should not adopt these kids and let us know that.
- We let them know that it was our intent to adopt again whether they liked it or not
- They had reasons as to why we should not adopt again and they offered us some summer respite instead. They had another case were the husband was older and things fell apart and it all hell broke lose and the agency got in trouble and it was a mess. They do not want this to happen again with us (not that it would) and so they are being honest with us.
- I politely let them know that we are not interested in respite and at the same time it becomes known to the staff that P has applied for the board
- Meeting is requested by them with us, we go to meeting.
- They let us know that P can not be on the board and in the process of adopting through them, we already knew that. We reinforce our desire to adopt either this sibling group or another one. They throw P's age at us again, we counter with the stats for adoption in this province. We reinforce that we are not looking for a baby but want to adopt older ( but younger than Fudge) sibling group.
- We go back and forth for awhile and to make a long story short they agree that if P wants to be on the board ( and he is so wanted because he used to be involved in politics) that they would transfer our home study to the closest big city, they would do the update that we must have before we can  adopt again and then we could pursue more kids through them.

It is sort of a win, win but I am afraid that the workers here have already muddied the waters with the worker for the sibling group we were looking at. Maybe not though, it does not seem as though they have any other prospects.

So all that being said we are pursuing adoption from foster care again but we may not get anywhere if we stuck with some worker who gets hung up on P's age. He is not that old, lots of men his age become fathers a second time and frankly, I think he is often a much better father because he has already parented once and is a lot more laid back about it all this time around. The concern that they have is not actually about his age but about what he would do if something happened to me, it is a valid concern in some regards but that is not how I live my life and I am not going to start now. Yes we should have a plan, all parents should and he would muddle through as best he could just like any other parent who loses a spouse.

So there you have it, I am so going to bed now


GB's Mom said...

Sounds like close to a win. I am 52 and my hubby is 54 and we hope to finalize GB this summer. Yeah, it would be nice if we were younger, but for her situation, we are the best choice. I am sure there are kid(s) out there that need both of you. {{{Hugs}}}

Mama Drama Times Two said...

Exciting that it may be a win-win-win for everyone (especially the sibling group!!!) Before we adopted Bobby we explained our will and plans for our children and their care (guardians, trust etc) in the event of our demise. I wonder if that would be useful for your adoption workers...Two years ago we were 47 and 49 and considered "older" for a 9 year old boy and now 2 years later we've been asked if we'd adopt the Baby Boy !!! Go figure.

Mom 4 Kids said...

I think you both are awesome for wanting to help children in need and build your family through adoption! You definitely have your eyes wide open and know a thing or a million! Keep us posted on your progress!

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Well that's awesome and early pending congratulations on your decisions!

A couple of things.... if you were a single parent, would the let you adopt again? If so, then that really takes P's age out of the equation. Also, I wonder about your counties financial responsibility to the new kids. Are they dragging heels because they would have to pay for therapy and visits and such? If you are in a small town and they have high needs, it could blow their budget- not that that is an excuse for ANYthing. Just a thought.

Hope all goes well!

MomInTheTrench said...

This is all so very exciting! I'm sorry for the stress and struggle over seemingly small things.

Little Wonder said...

I thought we needed people to step up and take in older foster/adopt children. crazy that they'd say no to any of your willingness. Glad it is working in your favor.

btw: the only thing "non-typical" about your relationship is that you are still together, lol. I've known many happy couples where one 1/2 is 10+ years older than the other 1/2.

Anonymous said...

Grr!! We have a big age gap, too, although probably closer to where you two were the last time around and so it doesn't seem like much yet. And yeah, if we adopted and I died, things would be hard on my partner. But that's not because she's ancient but because it's got to be really freaking hard to go from a two-parent home to a one-parent home quickly and unexpectedly.

I'm sorry they're hung up on things. I do hope it won't be a problem for getting matched with another sibling group. Surely workers elsewhere will be able to see how awesome you are!

Misty said...

it's so ridiculous and what does it matter? Why is it that so often the system fails to truly equip adoptive parents of the reality of RAD or how to brace for it/handle it- but yet they do waste their energy getting hung up on silly details like this. you guys have the experience, the desire and, lets face it, very few people are going after sibling groups. Isn't the goal of CPS to protect the children? keeping them unrooted does more damage than good...

BT said...

This all sounds not-bad, and I am keeping fingers crossed for not-bad to continue, because I really want to hear about another sibling group having joining a family!

K- floortime lite mama said...

Well am I being too pollyanna or does it sound like this may totally work out ?

Maggie said...

How frustrating! You'd think they'd be begging you to adopt with experience! ugh.