Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Building attachments is not for the faint of heart.

Fudge is slowly driving me crazy, it is like chinese water torture and each and every day is the same things over and over and over again.

Fudge is not attached to me, he is beginning to be attached to P. He is working hard to make my life miserable in small and subtle ways while he is angelic for the rest of the world and only listens to his father. Every single thing has to be an argument and every single argument must be won by him, he has to have the last word every time. He ignores me, he is rude, he lies, then he goes to bed and starts all over again the next day. It is classic RAD behaviour, I know that but it does not make it an easier to live with.

I feel guilty because I do not feel a whole lots of love the monster munchkin right now. I know it will pass and I do love him but at moment and every time he starts to argue with me I find myself shutting down, moving into a place where I can just deal with the behaviour without losing my temper because yelling at him gets us no where and it just feeds into his whole cycle of shame. But he pushes so hard that it is really, really, hard not to just yell. Yelling is my default, it is easy, it is quick and it is done. But it does not work. It triggers both my kids and Fudge gets into this place when you yell at him where he just shuts down and then it is like trying to have a conversation with a mushroom, you may as well be talking to yourself because he will not be responding.

I do not want to be the parent who always just gets mad but damn it, he pushes so hard and it is really tough to stay calm when he dripping all that water on your forehead day after day.

Yesterday I tried to talk to him about his choices and he sat there, pretended to listen responded in a monotone and then went back to his comic. He should of just told me to screw off, it would of been faster. Each and every time that I try to deal with his behaviour this is the type of response I get. I am so tired of it.

Working through this with him is so much different than working through it with Calvin, Calvin would rage, calm down and life would go on. There was a predictable pattern, I could see it coming and I could brace myself for the storm. With Fudge it is constant, his goal is to drive me away and it seems as though he will not rest until he has been successful. He bats those big eyelashes at you and pretends that he does not understand but he does, he pretends he does not remember things but he is lying, he acts all innocent when he is guilty and he seems to do it all without an ounce of remorse.

He used to show remorse, he used to feel bad and apologise to us without prompting but that has slowed down and stopped in most cases. Sometimes he will come back and genuinely apologise for a behaviour usually not if it involves me.

I need to keep loving him but to be honest, it is really hard some days.

That all being said and if I am being fair Calvin is going through the same thing P. Every single time P says anything to Calvin that Calvin thinks is the least bit critical he runs away and hides in the smallest space he can find ( trauma behaviour), he talks back to him and argues over everything with him. It is just as hard for P. with Calvin right now as it is for me with Fudge.

I need a vacation from my summer vacation, how many days till September 7th?


GB's Mom said...

Too many :( {{{Hugs}}}

Diana said...

So right there with you, sister! Thankfully for me, I'm counting the days until August 18.

"Three cheers for the bus driver, the bus driver, the bus driver! Three cheers for the bus driver who drives them to school!!"

Then of course, there are IEP meetings and educating the educators and the constant battle to make sure our kids really are getting what they need and...

Corey said...

V (who still has schoolwork because she did not do school for probably 85% of the school year) has been playing the anti-schoolwork card for 6 weeks now. (I should say the Summer Anti-Schoolwork card. Which is different than the rest of the year in that she is protesting TWO worksheets per day instead of five. Ridiculous.) She has been doing simple division for 3 months now. The same.exact.problems. Today, she does her 15 multiplication problems, and she cannot "remember" how to do division. Then she can remember how to do it for half of the problems, but is utterly perplexed about the other half. Which are exactly the same. She finally (I mean HOURS later) gets to the very last one and tries to convince me she cannot remember how to do division. At all.

Maybe we should just try a RADish exchange program.

RAD Mommy said...

When I read this I thought you might have taken a peak into my life and wrote about it. The only difference is that I am homeschooling our RAD daughter. The bus driver will not pick her up but God picks me up every day. :)