Saturday, April 2, 2011


My BIL is stable, he is alive, we are hopeful that he will survive even though his life is going to be difficult in coming months. My sister and her kids are coping as best they can with an impossibly difficult situation and there are any people who are helping them through this nightmare.

Today it needs to be all about me. This is my blog after all and I am really struggling as a parent today.

I am struggling because as much as I love my children, as special and important as they are to me I wish in this moment, today, that they did not need me. I want to be on a plane, I want to hug my sister, to hug her kids, to help make it better for them. I want to be there for her, I want to do for her exactly what I know she would do for me if the roles were reversed.

But I can't.

I can't because leaving my sons with their father at this point would be a nightmare for all 3 of them. Calvin's greatest fear is of losing us. He did not cope well when I was in Orlando, he talked afterwards about how scared it made him to have be away from him. He payed me back for days and days when I returned so I would know just how pissed off he was with me. And then there is Fudge, slowly but surely attaching Fudge who would also make me crazy when I returned if I were to leave him now. He would behave for the most part in my absence but when I returned I would be in for all kinds of wonderful things. Just knowing that their cousins father is sick and that we are stressed has been enough to have them both on edge all week. There have been any tears, much arguing and some great tantrums, I can't leave them right now.

Attachment is complicated.

I feel like I have to put my kids my first, in fact I know that I have to put my kids first. My sister has people with her, she is not alone. Her friends can do all the things that I can do just well as I can but they are not me. They will take care of her and buy her candy to help her cope, they will hug her and hold her and drive around but it still means that I am not there. I am here, with my kids, trying not to be grouchy and letting them watch TV all day just so that I can have the space to be alone till I feel a little less sorry for myself.

I am hoping that things will work out with time, that when there are less people in my sisters little tiny house I can go and help her. I can take the boys and instead of an early summer vacation like I had been planning and plotting in my head it will be a spring vacation. I can help her get their lives back together. I can distract her kids and spoil them rotten which is one of my favourite things to do. I can buy her candy and hold her hand as they begin to recover and move on with their lives. Until then I just have to trust that others
are doing the things she needs them do.

I just wish I did not have to be patient. I do not do patient well.


Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

I am SO glad to hear your BIL is hanging on. I know what you mean about leaving the kids, even under "good" circumstances it is difficult to manage other things.
2 thoughts, if you are able to help her in the summer, really it is you that will be there after the urgency of the crisis is over. I know you want to be there now, but if you can be there later that will be a huge help to her as well.
My other thought is you may not be able to hand her a bag of candy to lift her spirits, but there are a few other things. You could send her a restaurant gift certificate online, like for pizza delivery for example. Send her kids a small box of coloring books or toys to keep them occupied while they wait.
Just some thoughts! It's hard, it must be so hard to have to wait and watch from a distance. I hope BIL gets better soon!

krlr said...

I'm going to ditto was Essie said. It's not always the immediate emergency or the actual hospital stay - random neighbors and thrice removed cousins will rally to help then, it's the post-release, 'still needs a ton of help but everyone else has already stepped up so you're flying solo' period. And by then you're exhausted, emotionally & otherwise, & just want to curl up w/the TV & tune out for a bit. I've said before I don't have any experience w/adoption-attachment issues, but on this point I DO (unfortunately)! :)

Sharla said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother-in-law. I'm sure that you feel helpless being so far away and I know how much you wish you could be there just even to give your sister a hug.

I'm glad to hear that he is stable, but I also feel that what the other commenters said is so true. At times of crisis in my own life, it was once the people went away and the numbness wore off and the reality set in that I really needed people. Hopefully, there will be a time when you can go and be with your sister and that may be when she could use the support the most.

In the meantime, let the kids watch all the t.v. they want and do what you need to do to get through. I'll pray for your BIL and your sister.

Penelope {Foster2Forever} said...

Praying for D and everyone in his life. Hugs to you during this trying time!

Barb G said...

Praying for your BIL and your sister, and praying for you. I'm sorry your heart is torn, and I'm sorry you can't be with your sister right now. My BIL has been so near death several times this past year, and like you, I can't just leave our son either. Praying for your peace. (((hugs)))

Carla said...

that is so hard not to be able to be with your sister and her family right now. What a sudden and shocking thing to have happen to your BIL. I'm sure she understands that you are supporting and loving them from a distance. Patience is so hard...I don't do it well either!

KJ said...

And another ditto for going later, when things are still hard but the novelty has worn off for those around her. And a RESOUNDING ditto for the kids that need you exactly when you need them not to. The more emotionally tense things are, the more space I need, and the more hugs they need. It's one of the toughest things about parenting--being the damn grown-up. I hate it.