Thursday, March 31, 2011

Not a good choice.

I just watched Grey's Anatomy and even though it is the only TV show that I faithfully watch it was not a good choice tonight. It was a ll a little bit to real, a little bit raw, watching characters fighting for the lives of people they love was a bit to close to home.

My BIL is stable but still fighting to survive, my sister says she is "cautiously optimistic" at this point as he is finally not getting any worse. The last 72 hours have been hell for me and I can not even imagine how hard it has been for her. Every fiber of my being wants to be in California tonight, it wants to be with her and her kids but instead I am at home. I am here because I can not easily leave my children and that is frustrating and challenging for me to accept. My kids did not deal well with my leaving earlier this month and as hard as it is to put them ahead of my sister it is what I have to do. I know that their are people looking after her, loving her and holding her hand. They are not me and it is not the same but they love her too and they are doing everything they can to help her through this most difficult time.

I am hoping that we can swing going, either on my own or with boys in the weeks to come. Things are further complicated by the fact that Calvin is not doing well, emotionally or physically and I have that to contend with that as well. Fudge is not great either but he holds it all inside so it is bit easier to contend with in the crisis moments. Calvin lost it numerous times today and although some it is related to how much his body hurts, a  lot of it is related to the fact that me being this stressed about someone I love is really hard for him. One of his greatest fears is that we will die on him and although we have been really careful about language around my BIL being very sick he is a bright boy and has figured things out. We are working on him talking about how he feels rather than creating chaos, we have a long way to go.

It is late and I am past exhausted, sleep has not been on the list of priorities but that 3rd glass of red will make it priority tonight although I might regret that in the morning. Thanks again for all the amazing support this week, it means a lot to me.


Kelley said...

Love you girl! Praying.

GB's Mom said...

Wish I could be there drinking wine with you. Know you are never alone.

krlr said...

It won't beat the ICU for your BIL but red wine, chocolate, and carbs fix many (MANY) other problems! Wishing y'all the best.

Anonymous said...

Bless you, praying for you and yours {}

Sarah said...

You are doing so well with so many balls to juggle. left foot, right foot, breathe.