Friday, April 9, 2010


Sometimes I feel as though I can't be all the things that Calvin needs me to be.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by his beahviour.

Sometimes I wonder if I can do this.

Sometimes I wish that I did not love him as much as I do so that I did not become so emotional when I am trying to defend him and make others understand him.

Sometimes I wish he hadn't been so badly hurt.

Calvin stabbed 2 kids at school this afternoon with pencils. Calvin crossed the line and got sent home. The afternoon teacher at Calvin's school can't deal with him. The principal seems to think that having a restorative justice circle with the whole class will make everyone feel safe around Calvin.

He can not hear that the shame that this circle will trigger for my 9 year old (who is emotionally 3) will be overwhelming. He can not hear that things need to be done differently in this case. He can not hear that there was a number of events that led up to this happening today and that Calvin did not just explode for no reason.

I can't get his therapist on the phone, she is out of the office today. I will probably end up keeping him home on Monday.

I am overwhelemed. I had a bit of a panic attack in the car.  I am not sure why this is making me so very sad but perhaps it is because for the second time in a little more than a week I am feeling helpless in the face of Calvin's anger and I worry that we are not enough.


Diana said...

Never give up. I've often found myself wondering those same thoughts, especially when the school wasn't willing to accept what I was telling them and they certainly weren't willing to do anything differently than they would for any other kid. Yet the bullying problem at the school was out of control, the teachers were untrained dim-wits who were oozing with their own issues, kids in every single class were continuing to exhibit behavior problems (many way more significant than my son was exhibiting), yet they refused to see that obviously what they're doing ISN'T working - not just for my hurt kid, but for all the other "normal" kids as well.

I would absolutely keep him home on Monday! And I'd keep his world very, very small this weekend, too. Lots of baby time, snuggle time, and quiet calm time.

Wish I could crawl through my computer and give you more than just a cyber hug!

:)De said...

You are enough and you are not alone. You are right about the restorative justice circle... it is not the right tool for your child. I agree with Diana about keeping his world small and safe so that you both can find your center.


waldenbunch said...

I'm convinced that the majority of us moms taking care of and loving these wounded kids are overwhelmed beyond belief. We can't fix the situation and living with it is sometimes unbearable. Yet we get up each morning and do it again and again.....the impossible. But ultimately healing is in our child's hands. Just know there are so many of us who get it and cry along with you. This is not a job for sissies and you are an awesome woman of God.

mom2spiritedboy said...

I could have written this a few weeks ago. I worried I wasn't enough. I have accepted that I am not enough on my OWN. From what I have read on your blog - you are not alone. It feels big, it feels raw and unfair and overwhelming. Share the burden - with us, your cyber friends and with your dh and anyone else who sees your boy for all his love and potential. Follow your gut about school. School is so wrong in so many ways for our kids.

GB's Mom said...

I have been there. My oldest was constantly set up by the other kids. The only way I got the school to look at it was when he was suspended for starting a food fight in the cafeteria on a day he was home with 103 fever. Keep him home until you and the school agree with what needs to be changed. I do not know if he has an IEP yet, but if he doesn't, consider making the school evaluate him. It is an extra layer of protection for you both. If he already has one, demand that they convene on this incident. It is their job to make him safe at school.

You are not alone. You are strong and you are there for Calvin. God is, too. You will make it. {{{Hugs}}}

Mom 4 Kids said...

You are enough, but we all ask ourselves that same question on days like this. Big hugs to you (((u)))!!!

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Of course you are overwhelmed with this! It is serious and scary and a very hard thing to handle. You CAN do this and I believe you are all the things Calvin needs. I agree he needs to NOT be in some restoration circle and you have already made that decision along with the rest of it. You get emotional because you are his mother for crying out loud! You defend him and try to make other people understand him--- that is exactly what he needs!

Lisa said... are more than are exactly what he needs. This has to be more than overwhelming but you will find the solution that works for Calvin.

I'm with GB's mom...I'd demand an IEP meeting and march in there with my copy of Wright's Law in my hand.

Sending huge cyber hugs!

MomInTheTrench said...

Every one of us panics and gets overwhelmed. It's part of the job! You are a wonderful mom and you started handling it right from the very beginning. Praying for you.

Babs said...

As a social worker, I feel the same way at least five times a week, and I don't even live with these little ones. My heart goes out to you both. You ARE enough! And please know you're not alone. Feel free to email me if you want to talk. :) I'm currently fighting a school for continuing to restrain a 7 year old sexually traumatized non-verbal girl. It's really hard not to just snap on people sometimes LoL.

marythemom said...

I think I lost my comment. Let's see... I would demand proof that this method of discipline (circle) even works with "normal" 3rd graders who don't have issues. Seems like it's too abstract. Then I would demand proof that it is appropriate for your child.

I would immediately call an IEP meeting if he has one and demand they create or show you how this meets his Behavior Intervention Plan. YOU have a say in whether or not this is an appropriate means of discipline. If he doesn't have an IEP then I think you might be able to use this as grounds to get one (emotionally disturbed)?

We are right here for you! E-mail me anytime!! Hugs and prayers,
Mary in TX

K- floortime lite mama said...

yes you are more than good enough
Many hugs you amazing mum