Friday, April 29, 2011

It's not their fault.

I had begun to write this post yesterday, then the power went out because of tornado force ( 119km) winds and all hell broke loose as I tried in vain to find a way to keep the water in the cellar from reaching the furnace. Long story short I ended up buying a generator, last one in the store, got it running, pumped the basement and then after 12 hours the power came back. Needless to say finshing this post was not at the top of the list, but this morning I have time and power and so here it is.

"Hey Mom, sorry I had such a bad morning, I love you, have a good day" said Fudge as he was rushing out the door this morning.
"That's okay buddy, it happens and it wasn't so bad" I said, keeping the grouchy mama voice inside my head.
"Nope, your right, I didn't spill anything, that would of made it worse" he replied and as he skipped off down the path he turned and signed I love you to me.
 My heart melted in that moment.

He had a bad morning, nothing new, what is new is that he saw that and moved on from it without yelling or arguing or blaming me for his mistakes. That is progress, it is also attachment.

Fudge is moving forward in his attachment to me, he has been for awhile. That in and of itself it a WONDERFUL thing but  it is hard because I have been so hurt by the way he has treated me that sometimes I still feel as though it is all a carefully constructed facade.  Here he is moving along, making loving comments, looking for touch and reassurance from me because he is learning to trust me, learning to love me and there are times when I do not want him to. I don't want to be touched, or loved or spend time with him. I want to be hurt and bitter and angry because of the way he has treated me.

Don't worry, I am not playing favourites. It's not just Fudge, sometimes I feel the same way about Calvin.

The thing is even though sometimes I feel that way I need to keep those very real and very normal feelings in check, I need to put on my happy face and fake it. It is not as hard to fake it as it was awhile ago. Some days are easier than others.

I need to fake it because it is not my children's fault that they are still attaching to me. It is not my children's fault that they do not trust adults to meet their needs. It is most certainly not their fault that they are in this situation, it is the fault of other adults, adults who did not meet their needs.

Lately when I ready to blow at one of them, when I do not want to be touched by them, when I am so far past frustrated with a rage or and tantrum or an argument, I hang on to that, I hang on to - it's not their fault, they did not ask for this. They have been shaped and formed and changed by what happened to them as young children.

I am not justifying all of their behaviour, but their past matters, it makes a difference, it changes things.

Yes they make choices, they do stuff that make things worse, they act like children and sometimes that drives me crazy. But at the end of the day some of it is not their fault and that it is very important thing to remember when parenting them.


GB's Mom said...

I hear you.

Joy said...

Thanks for writing this, J., it was the right words at the right time for me. My "Fudge" left the house angry for school, then waited for me at the corner of the playground I have to pass on my way to work so that he could stick out his tongue and throw a pebble at my car as I drove by. He called as soon as school got out with a sorry that sounded pent up. You're right, it's not all his fault, or mine either.


Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Yep, I know you are right. It's in the moment, that I forget. On the other hand I am developing one helluva poker face.

Marcy said...

Bam! That's perspective! I just want to encourage you (and any mom of attachment challenged kids) by saying that you all are so much more ahead in perspective than many parents of "average" kiddos (and I say average very loosely). To be able to be highly frustrated and yet be able to speak to yourself like that is incredible. Keeping calm in the situations you all deal with, even if it all external and your insides are broiling is an incredible step of strength. I know you probably have your moments where the "voice" gets lost in all the chaos, but I want to say "bravo" to you all. Keep up the good fight, so to speak.