Friday, February 18, 2011

I hate you and other things that are hard to hear from my kid.

I hate you.
You're mean.
You don't care.
Leave me alone.
I don't want you to love me.
Go away.
You should send me back.
You can't love me.
I don't want to live here.
You will never understand.

I have been hearing these words a lot from Calvin lately, he is usually shouting them at me. Both last week and this week Thursdays have been really hard days. That being said though, how I deal with the words can either make or break our day.

Last Thursday he decided he was mad a the world and after a fight with Fudge put himself to bed at 5 pm. I gave him some space and then went to his room to see if I could help him through the HUGE feelings he was clearly having that were a whole lot more complicated than the fight with Fudge.

He did not want to talk to me at all. In fact he did everything in his power to make me go away so that he would not have to talk to me. He yelled, he kicked, he insulted, I did not go away. I stayed and kept calm. He hid under his bed wrapped in a blanket refusing to engage in any of the conversations I was trying to have.

It would of been easy to walk away when he screamed that he hated me. It would of been easy to yell and give him a consequence when he kicked me. It would of been easy but it would not of been healing. Instead I stayed, I talked to him about all the big feelings he was having and about how very hard that must be for him. I talked about how if he was feeling scared and upset about his body hurting that would be a normal feeling for a kid to have. I talked and talked and I ignored the shouting. After about 20 minutes he came out from under his bed and lay down with me. I talked some more, he nodded or shook his head in response. We cuddled and tickled and got silly and after another 10 minutes he was ready to join us for supper.

His words do hurt me, his actions hurt me as well but he is 10 and the first years of his life were really tough for him. I can not expect him to be all better because I am taking care of his needs and I tell him that I love him everyday. I can not expect that he is going to regular kid overnight because I am not beating him or leaving him to fend for himself. It took a long time to do the damage that has been done to his brain and it will take a long time to heal that damage.

I see progress, each and every time he chooses to talk rather than rage I see progress and he is taking huge steps toward healing everyday.

7 comments:

Jensboys said...

It is so hard, isn't it?

Barb G said...

I too remind myself that it took 9 years for our son to get to where he is, and I can't expect him to bounce back in 2. (((hugs))) to you. You are a good mommy.

Barb

GB's Mom said...

I love progress :-)

Sarah said...

Good for you! I agree, it is SO HARD to hear those things. I hear all of those plus occasionally words along the lines of, "My birth parents are the only ones who ever loved me" and "You love (a, b, c,) better than me" and "You would be happy if I died, you could get a better younger kid" etc. etc. etc.

It is SO HARD to ignore the words and address the feelings, but you are right, it works.

Hang in there, you are doing a great job. :)

Lisa said...

Progress.....it's such a beautiful thing!

KJ Dell" said...

Seriously, gold star. That's so hard to do, and the worst part is, doing it once isn't enough...you have to go back in and do it again and again and again....

KJ Dell'Antonia said...

Oops, cut my name off!