I cried buying shoes for my son the other day. I was standing there in the department store looking at the display of sandals and spring shoes and the tears welled up and rolled down my face. There was nothing I could do but let it happen, I needed to have that cry as I bought shoes for my boy.
Let me explain.
In September I bought new shoes for my boys. Calvin wanted high top basketball shoes with laces. I agreed, he loved those shoes. He wore them constantly even on the hottest days of fall, he took the time to tie and untie them and gave up wearing his sandals all together. Then winter came and the runners went away and the snow boots came out. They made an occasional appearance for cub meetings and such but really, in much of Canada in the winter it is all boots all the time. We pulled the much coveted high tops back out last week and he was excited to see them again. He talked about his love for his shoes and how they made run faster and jump higher. He wore them one day and then commented the next day that they he needed new shoes. I said don't be silly and had him put them on again. He and I had a few arguments back and forth about them and he kept saying they were old and dumb and he needed new shoes. He would not wear them and went to school in his rubber boots for a few days.
I was at a bit of a loss as to why the coveted shoes sucked so badly all of a sudden and then the penny dropped...
The rest is at Hopeful Parents, head on over to read it there.
Showing posts with label Calvin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Calvin. Show all posts
Friday, April 8, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
I hate you and other things that are hard to hear from my kid.
I hate you.
You're mean.
You don't care.
Leave me alone.
I don't want you to love me.
Go away.
You should send me back.
You can't love me.
I don't want to live here.
You will never understand.
I have been hearing these words a lot from Calvin lately, he is usually shouting them at me. Both last week and this week Thursdays have been really hard days. That being said though, how I deal with the words can either make or break our day.
Last Thursday he decided he was mad a the world and after a fight with Fudge put himself to bed at 5 pm. I gave him some space and then went to his room to see if I could help him through the HUGE feelings he was clearly having that were a whole lot more complicated than the fight with Fudge.
He did not want to talk to me at all. In fact he did everything in his power to make me go away so that he would not have to talk to me. He yelled, he kicked, he insulted, I did not go away. I stayed and kept calm. He hid under his bed wrapped in a blanket refusing to engage in any of the conversations I was trying to have.
It would of been easy to walk away when he screamed that he hated me. It would of been easy to yell and give him a consequence when he kicked me. It would of been easy but it would not of been healing. Instead I stayed, I talked to him about all the big feelings he was having and about how very hard that must be for him. I talked about how if he was feeling scared and upset about his body hurting that would be a normal feeling for a kid to have. I talked and talked and I ignored the shouting. After about 20 minutes he came out from under his bed and lay down with me. I talked some more, he nodded or shook his head in response. We cuddled and tickled and got silly and after another 10 minutes he was ready to join us for supper.
His words do hurt me, his actions hurt me as well but he is 10 and the first years of his life were really tough for him. I can not expect him to be all better because I am taking care of his needs and I tell him that I love him everyday. I can not expect that he is going to regular kid overnight because I am not beating him or leaving him to fend for himself. It took a long time to do the damage that has been done to his brain and it will take a long time to heal that damage.
I see progress, each and every time he chooses to talk rather than rage I see progress and he is taking huge steps toward healing everyday.
You're mean.
You don't care.
Leave me alone.
I don't want you to love me.
Go away.
You should send me back.
You can't love me.
I don't want to live here.
You will never understand.
I have been hearing these words a lot from Calvin lately, he is usually shouting them at me. Both last week and this week Thursdays have been really hard days. That being said though, how I deal with the words can either make or break our day.
Last Thursday he decided he was mad a the world and after a fight with Fudge put himself to bed at 5 pm. I gave him some space and then went to his room to see if I could help him through the HUGE feelings he was clearly having that were a whole lot more complicated than the fight with Fudge.
He did not want to talk to me at all. In fact he did everything in his power to make me go away so that he would not have to talk to me. He yelled, he kicked, he insulted, I did not go away. I stayed and kept calm. He hid under his bed wrapped in a blanket refusing to engage in any of the conversations I was trying to have.
It would of been easy to walk away when he screamed that he hated me. It would of been easy to yell and give him a consequence when he kicked me. It would of been easy but it would not of been healing. Instead I stayed, I talked to him about all the big feelings he was having and about how very hard that must be for him. I talked about how if he was feeling scared and upset about his body hurting that would be a normal feeling for a kid to have. I talked and talked and I ignored the shouting. After about 20 minutes he came out from under his bed and lay down with me. I talked some more, he nodded or shook his head in response. We cuddled and tickled and got silly and after another 10 minutes he was ready to join us for supper.
His words do hurt me, his actions hurt me as well but he is 10 and the first years of his life were really tough for him. I can not expect him to be all better because I am taking care of his needs and I tell him that I love him everyday. I can not expect that he is going to regular kid overnight because I am not beating him or leaving him to fend for himself. It took a long time to do the damage that has been done to his brain and it will take a long time to heal that damage.
I see progress, each and every time he chooses to talk rather than rage I see progress and he is taking huge steps toward healing everyday.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
More on Pain.
So Calvin home from school about an hour ago but he did not walk up the driveway and asked Fudge to tell me to come and get him because his leg was hurting to much. I asked Fudge before I went down how Calvin was moving and how he seemed after school, Fudge said he was running around at last recess and seemed fine but now he was saying that his leg hurt.
My first reaction was, he is so just faking all the pain this for me, little brat, running around at school, he is so fine.
I got in the car and drove down, he was standing to the side of the driveway. He got in and I asked him how he was.
He said " My leg hurts cause I made I bad choice. I was running around after school before we got on the bus and now it really hurts".
Opps, good thing I did not say anything. He is learning that being honest with me gets him a lot farther!
We did talk as I got him some Advil about his day and he said that he took an Advil at lunch time ( has to go ask at the office) and that it helped. He also said that he did not do gym because as soon as he started to stretch with the kids it hurt so he had to sit out. He seemed disappointed by that. He is willing to sit quietly now and play with his lego while he waits for the 4:30 Advil to kick in.
This does confirm my suspicion that as long as he is taking the meds he feels like he can move around with little pain provided that he is not doing anything other than just moving from place to place. Without the meds even walking is painful, poor kid. I did not hear from rheumatology today. I will be calling them in the morning to see when they can get us in.
My first reaction was, he is so just faking all the pain this for me, little brat, running around at school, he is so fine.
I got in the car and drove down, he was standing to the side of the driveway. He got in and I asked him how he was.
He said " My leg hurts cause I made I bad choice. I was running around after school before we got on the bus and now it really hurts".
Opps, good thing I did not say anything. He is learning that being honest with me gets him a lot farther!
We did talk as I got him some Advil about his day and he said that he took an Advil at lunch time ( has to go ask at the office) and that it helped. He also said that he did not do gym because as soon as he started to stretch with the kids it hurt so he had to sit out. He seemed disappointed by that. He is willing to sit quietly now and play with his lego while he waits for the 4:30 Advil to kick in.
This does confirm my suspicion that as long as he is taking the meds he feels like he can move around with little pain provided that he is not doing anything other than just moving from place to place. Without the meds even walking is painful, poor kid. I did not hear from rheumatology today. I will be calling them in the morning to see when they can get us in.
Looking for Ideas about Chronic Pain in Kids with Attachment Issues.
Okay Internet peeps, I need your help and your experience to deal with Calvin.
To make a long story short we still have no answers about Calvin's fluid in his hip joint and as we get passed from department to department in the hospital we need to deal with the pain. The hospital has told us that we can give him Tylenol and Advil alone or together as needed.
My struggle is in judging his pain and what the best course of action because I do not know if:
- the is the amount of pain he says he is in is as bad as he says it is even though he at times says he is in pain but then seems to be moving ok or putting weight on the affected leg.
- or he is saying he is in more pain because he does not want to be at school
- or he is looking for attention
- or really does hurt a lot and it has for a long time and he has not been admitting that to anyone because he rarely complains about feeling unwell.
- or when we were at the hospital yesterday he said it was not hurting when it was because he was afraid of what might happen if he said it hurt.
- or any combination of the above things.
- or something else that I am missing or not thinking of.
I have observed him moving when he does not know that I am watching with mixed results and I have spoken to him about what I see him doing and what he is telling me are not always the same. I imagine that the pain does come and go depending up on his movements. I know that movement makes it worse and that resting makes it better and that after he has been quiet for awhile there is little pain. What I do not know is if I should push him to do more so we can have a better sense of what is going on or just to let him be. I also do not know whether it is a better idea to keep him on the pain killers every 4 hours or to give them to when he asks. I asked yesterday and they said give them to him for the pain which is not helpful, before the pain, during the pain... they just said when he needs it. The problem is that he is not so good at judging what is going on because he is a 10 year old boy and he waits until the pain in really bad before he asks for Advil and then sometimes says it helps and other times says it does not.
He is exhausted and not really eating much and says it hurts and it is making me stressed because I do not know what to do for him. Nor am I completely sure that this is all about the pain is his hip and that some of it is not about the pain in his heart that is healing but it is a long and slow process.
Suggestions, ideas, solutions, magic bullets....
To make a long story short we still have no answers about Calvin's fluid in his hip joint and as we get passed from department to department in the hospital we need to deal with the pain. The hospital has told us that we can give him Tylenol and Advil alone or together as needed.
My struggle is in judging his pain and what the best course of action because I do not know if:
- the is the amount of pain he says he is in is as bad as he says it is even though he at times says he is in pain but then seems to be moving ok or putting weight on the affected leg.
- or he is saying he is in more pain because he does not want to be at school
- or he is looking for attention
- or really does hurt a lot and it has for a long time and he has not been admitting that to anyone because he rarely complains about feeling unwell.
- or when we were at the hospital yesterday he said it was not hurting when it was because he was afraid of what might happen if he said it hurt.
- or any combination of the above things.
- or something else that I am missing or not thinking of.
I have observed him moving when he does not know that I am watching with mixed results and I have spoken to him about what I see him doing and what he is telling me are not always the same. I imagine that the pain does come and go depending up on his movements. I know that movement makes it worse and that resting makes it better and that after he has been quiet for awhile there is little pain. What I do not know is if I should push him to do more so we can have a better sense of what is going on or just to let him be. I also do not know whether it is a better idea to keep him on the pain killers every 4 hours or to give them to when he asks. I asked yesterday and they said give them to him for the pain which is not helpful, before the pain, during the pain... they just said when he needs it. The problem is that he is not so good at judging what is going on because he is a 10 year old boy and he waits until the pain in really bad before he asks for Advil and then sometimes says it helps and other times says it does not.
He is exhausted and not really eating much and says it hurts and it is making me stressed because I do not know what to do for him. Nor am I completely sure that this is all about the pain is his hip and that some of it is not about the pain in his heart that is healing but it is a long and slow process.
Suggestions, ideas, solutions, magic bullets....
Friday, February 11, 2011
well it seems as though some things are better, but...
Calvin's hip seems better, it is not great but he is bearing weight on it and walking around and he went to school all day without a problem although he did ask for advil 3 times ( including at school while I was there at lunch time). I am ok with the advil as long as it is managing his pain and he is in control of. The downside is that he has not really eating, he does not have a fever and nothing is getting worse but for the last 2 days he has only eaten about 1/3 of what he usually consumes in a day. This could just be stress, it could be related to his very stubborn bowel or it could be a sign of and infection. I am hating the wait and see game, can we play a different one please.
We have n appointment with Ortho on Tuesday and I am thinking that it is time to call GI back and update them on what is and is not going on. Poor kid, he just can't get a break.
We have n appointment with Ortho on Tuesday and I am thinking that it is time to call GI back and update them on what is and is not going on. Poor kid, he just can't get a break.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Waiting was Awful
Calvin and I spent 9.5 hours in emergency a the Children's Hospital yesterday. It was a really long day. We went back because his mysterious leg pain was not getting better and I decided to listen to my friends, my gut and my kid. It was a good.choice.
Once we got to triage I knew that the wait would be a long one because there were a lot of sick babies there and sick babies trump 10 year olds with sore legs. I am okay with that, it is an emergency department after all. It just meant a long wait for me and an impatient 10 year old boy who knew that being back there meant more tests and he was not at all impressed. Once we finally saw a doctor she agreed that it was strange that he was still in that much pain and sent us to ultrasound. She said it sounded muscular and I agreed with her but the whole things seemed strange.
We got to ultrasound and the luckily for us the tech was a smart woman who is good at her job. She looked at his leg where she was told to look and saw nothing. We chatted a bit about what was going on and she went out to read the orders again, then she talked to the doc in radiology and decided to look at his hip ( which was something we had discussed when there on Sunday but he really was saying it was his leg). I knew the moment that she used the mouse to make 2 little marks on the picture that there was indeed something wrong and my kid was not just being a whiner. He has a hip joint full of fluid, it hurts and that is why he can't put weight on it and is limping around like an old man
Why is his hip full of fluid? Well we are not sure. It could be a joint issue, an infection or a virus. They ran blood work and all of it came back negative which in theory means that it is not an infection. It could be the joint issue which involves the growth plate but the x-rays do not show that as the problem. At the moment they are saying that it is a virus and that he should start to get better in the next few days. So we are back to the wait and see game. The good news is that if it is not getting better or getting worse on weekday we can got right to Orthopedics and will not have to go to emergency. If it does get worse we are looking at a MRI, possibly an aspiration of the joint and then surgery. None of which are things that I want him to have to deal with so I am hoping to go with the virus option.
I made him to go to school this morning because the only way that we are going to know if it is getting any worse is if we actually make him move around. Laying on the couch all day does not really tell us anything and besides he was desperate to go to school as they having a carnival day and going to the local movie theater. So I walked him down the lane to the bus and he seemed to be moving ok, he says it hurts but it is going to hurt. As long as he can walk on it we are moving towards healing and the virus theory will be the right one.
I will pick him up at noon as they rest of the school is going skating this afternoon and he is so not going skating. I have to decide by early afternoon if we think that we need to go back to the hospital tomorrow or if we should just wait for our follow up appointment next week.
The drama never ends around here.
Once we got to triage I knew that the wait would be a long one because there were a lot of sick babies there and sick babies trump 10 year olds with sore legs. I am okay with that, it is an emergency department after all. It just meant a long wait for me and an impatient 10 year old boy who knew that being back there meant more tests and he was not at all impressed. Once we finally saw a doctor she agreed that it was strange that he was still in that much pain and sent us to ultrasound. She said it sounded muscular and I agreed with her but the whole things seemed strange.
We got to ultrasound and the luckily for us the tech was a smart woman who is good at her job. She looked at his leg where she was told to look and saw nothing. We chatted a bit about what was going on and she went out to read the orders again, then she talked to the doc in radiology and decided to look at his hip ( which was something we had discussed when there on Sunday but he really was saying it was his leg). I knew the moment that she used the mouse to make 2 little marks on the picture that there was indeed something wrong and my kid was not just being a whiner. He has a hip joint full of fluid, it hurts and that is why he can't put weight on it and is limping around like an old man
Why is his hip full of fluid? Well we are not sure. It could be a joint issue, an infection or a virus. They ran blood work and all of it came back negative which in theory means that it is not an infection. It could be the joint issue which involves the growth plate but the x-rays do not show that as the problem. At the moment they are saying that it is a virus and that he should start to get better in the next few days. So we are back to the wait and see game. The good news is that if it is not getting better or getting worse on weekday we can got right to Orthopedics and will not have to go to emergency. If it does get worse we are looking at a MRI, possibly an aspiration of the joint and then surgery. None of which are things that I want him to have to deal with so I am hoping to go with the virus option.
I made him to go to school this morning because the only way that we are going to know if it is getting any worse is if we actually make him move around. Laying on the couch all day does not really tell us anything and besides he was desperate to go to school as they having a carnival day and going to the local movie theater. So I walked him down the lane to the bus and he seemed to be moving ok, he says it hurts but it is going to hurt. As long as he can walk on it we are moving towards healing and the virus theory will be the right one.
I will pick him up at noon as they rest of the school is going skating this afternoon and he is so not going skating. I have to decide by early afternoon if we think that we need to go back to the hospital tomorrow or if we should just wait for our follow up appointment next week.
The drama never ends around here.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
A few answers
We went to Children Hospital for an appointment with the GI clinic yesterday and finally got a few answers for Calvin, well not real answers but we are moving toward answers.
To make a long story short ( there is back story here and here) the doctor who we met with agreed that clearly there is something more going on than just chronic constipation and we need to find some answers. it appears from the x-ray that perhaps he has some motility issues (given that things look just like they did before he was hospitalized) and they may be a result of the withholding of stool he did as a younger child and the resulting damage or it may be because there is actually something wrong with his colon.
We talked about options and they may involve a bunch more tests that would need to be done in another big city because our big city does not do them but it would not be anything we could not do in a day or two. We will not for a couple of weeks though. In the meantime we are working on cleaning him out at home this weekend with some serious medicine and clear liquid diet and then keeping him "cleaned out" with a double dose of PEG, that would be double the adult dose for the next few weeks until we get all the blood work back and then we will make a plan of attack. Knowing that there is a plan and that there is a doctor who is listening ( finally) makes me feel a little better about the whole situation but I am still pretty annoyed that it had to get this bad before anyone would listen to me.
In the meantime my boys and I are going to continue our movie marathon and be happy that they are letting us do this at home rather than in the hospital because another few days in the hospital is so not my idea of a good time and if we can avoid I will.
To make a long story short ( there is back story here and here) the doctor who we met with agreed that clearly there is something more going on than just chronic constipation and we need to find some answers. it appears from the x-ray that perhaps he has some motility issues (given that things look just like they did before he was hospitalized) and they may be a result of the withholding of stool he did as a younger child and the resulting damage or it may be because there is actually something wrong with his colon.
We talked about options and they may involve a bunch more tests that would need to be done in another big city because our big city does not do them but it would not be anything we could not do in a day or two. We will not for a couple of weeks though. In the meantime we are working on cleaning him out at home this weekend with some serious medicine and clear liquid diet and then keeping him "cleaned out" with a double dose of PEG, that would be double the adult dose for the next few weeks until we get all the blood work back and then we will make a plan of attack. Knowing that there is a plan and that there is a doctor who is listening ( finally) makes me feel a little better about the whole situation but I am still pretty annoyed that it had to get this bad before anyone would listen to me.
In the meantime my boys and I are going to continue our movie marathon and be happy that they are letting us do this at home rather than in the hospital because another few days in the hospital is so not my idea of a good time and if we can avoid I will.
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